Column: Male Online Gamers Annoy Me and I Hate Them

About a month ago, I bought a shiny, high-tech, beautiful new Playstation 3 headset so that I could talk to online players during Call of Duty matches. After the first day of using my headset, I decided that I was never going to use it again.
Why? Apparently, all Call of Duty online players are 14-year-old sexist, forever-alone, no-lifers who have nothing better to do that verbally harass any female who dares venture onto the Playstation network. I doubt they’ve ever even interacted with a woman who wasn’t their mother. I have no doubt their behavior has permanently repelled every single woman who ventured even close to their basement nerd lair.
I played three rounds of Black Ops Nazi Zombies online with my headset. I spent three rounds listening to how my time would be better spent in the kitchen making a sandwich.
After hanging up my headset and changing my Playstation network username into something manly, I decided never to reveal my gender to gamers again.
All-in-all, this video-game boys club isn’t really funny anymore. I’m tired of playing Nazi Zombies alone in my house. I’m tired of having to hide my femininity from a group of (mostly) men who treat online gaming like a man cave. I’m tired of not being taken seriously when I play co-op. I’m tired of no one believing me when I tell them my game stats. I’m tired of being turned into an object the moment I mention that I not only have female reproductive organs, but also play video games.
Seriously, guys. I know that Call of Duty is essentially the Coors Lite of video games, but we live in 2012 where sexual equality isn’t exactly a new concept. I’m not asking you to treat me like a princess. I’m not even asking you to like me. Honestly, I just want to be able to log on, play a round of Zombies, and not have the primary game chatter centered on my breasts.
At least the Battlefield players have the decency to not bring up my gender. But Battlefield doesn’t have a Zombies side-game. I cannot kill hordes of the undead level after level in an unending Nazi apocalypse on any other game platform.
In November, Black Ops 2 comes out, paired with sexy new Zombie maps and features. When that time comes, I’m dusting off my headset and heading back online. I’m going to change my username back to the most disgustingly-feminine title I can think of, because it’s really going to sting when a player named “ThugLyfe4eva420” gets beat by a girl named “xxPurpleUnicornPrincessxx.” Let the butt-hurt flow.