Chuck Norris is a god among men. I feel like I don’t have to say much more than that, but for those of you who do not recognize the Norris authority, I shall enlighten you.
First of all, beneath his manly beard is not a chin, but another fist. His Earth-shattering roundhouse kick is globally renowned, as are his cancer-curing tears. He is the reason E.T. went home. The man exhales at the speed of sound and can sneeze with both of his eyes open. He created the platypus by roundhouse kicking a duck into a beaver. The flu is searching for a vaccine to prevent a Chuck Norris outbreak. Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at summer camp. He can cut through a hot knife with butter. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. The boogeyman checks under his bed at night for Chuck Norris.
The list is endless. The man is unstoppable. Plus, you have to be a badass to be on the Hallmark Channel AND be a spokesman for Total Gym.
I don’t know when the random Chuck Norris worship began, but it is certainly warranted. He just turned 72 in March and I’m pretty sure he could kick any young man’s ass. He is a Professional World Middleweight Karate Champion, a black belt, Jim “Lone Wolf” McQuade, Walker, Texas Ranger and a good guy that just takes out the bad guys. The testosterone in my feminine figure is bolstered just knowing that he’s going to be in “The Expendables 2” with Sly Stallone and the other action stars I grew up adoring.
So this Liam Neeson fellow seems to be climbing the tough guy ladder pretty quickly… but I don’t think punching wolves is as tough as taking out an entire black ninja clan. Ninjas carry sharp katanas and fling deadly Chinese stars while under the cover of stealth. Wolves howl and give away their location before prancing around their prey. Ninjas don’t mess around. Neither does Chuck Norris.
OK, I will give Neeson some credit of baddassery. He has really become a phenomenon in the last 15 years or so, and his movies have done fairly well. I have to admit, if I was in a dark alley with Neeson and thugs attacked us, I’d feel pretty safe. Now, if we were in a dark alley and Chuck Norris attacked, I’d feel bad for Neeson. But Norris wouldn’t attack us because he’s a good guy.
I’ve heard some whispers of Neeson matching Norris’ supremacy, such lines as, “Chuck Norris is only Walker, Texas Ranger because Liam Neeson MADE him go to the audition,” “when Chuck Norris misbehaves, Liam Neeson gives him a time out” or that Neeson is more powerful because he trained Obi-Wan Kenobi or Batman. Just for the record, Obi-Wan was played by Ewan McGregor, who is a rather dainty man also known for his role in “I Love You, Philip Morris,” in which he was Jim Carrey’s boyfriend. You’d never find Chuck Norris in that role. Maybe Neeson should star in, “I Love You, Chuck Norris.” Also, Christian Bale as Batman doesn’t hide the fact that he was a junkie in “The Fighter.” I love Bale and McGregor, but they, too will never match the manly ranks of Norris.
Will Neeson ever surpass Norris? Maybe…if he becomes a black belt and earns 700 championship titles for awesomeness.
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